English accent....

How can an English man tell his Indian servant, who doesn't know English, to


"Open the door"???..

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Guess.....

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Say these lines fast in US English accent....


"There was a cold day!"...

older couple

An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling a sleep, but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk.

She said, "You use to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said. "Then you use to bite my neck.

"Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going ?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!"

Ek ladki @ railway station

Ek ladki @ railway station

Waiting for 1/2 hr... gets bored

coin nikala, coin weighing machine mein dala...



57 Kgs

____________



coin nikala

Sandal utari, side mein rakhkhi

coin weighing machine mein dala....



56 Kgs

____________



coin nikala

Jacket utara, side mein rakhkha

coin weighing machine mein dala....



53 Kgs

____________



coin nikala

Dupatta utara, side mein rakhkha

coin weighing machine mein dala....



52 Kgs

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Coin khatam!

____________





Side mein baitha bhikari bola...





"Tu chalu rakh. Coin main deta hu"

Indian - American

An Indian migrated to America , and moved into an American neighbourhood;

His American neighbour went next door to wish him welcome.He was shocked to see the man from India in his nice backyard chasing ten chickens around like mad. "Must be an Indian custom," he thought to himself.


Deciding he could put off the welcome till a later date, he went home.

The next day, he decided he was going to welcome the Indian man again.

When he looked through his window, he saw the Indian man urinate into a cup and drink it. "Must be an Indian custom," he thought to himself. Deciding he could put off the welcome till the next day, he went on with other stuff.


The third day, he was determined to welcome the Indian man. At his gate, he saw the Indian man with his ear pressed against a cow's big fat butt.

Seeing this, he became disgusted and went up to the Indian man.

"I'm sorry sir, I did want to wish you a warm welcome, but I cannot stand your crazy Indian customs!" He yelled at the Indian .


The Indian looked confused and answered. "Sorry sir, I think you are mistaken. These are actually American customs. I was told, that in order to be a true American, you have to chase chicks, get piss drunk, and listen to bullshit.

success

At age 04 success is... Not peeing in your pants.

At age 12 success is... Having friends.

At age 18 success is... Having a drivers license.

At age 35 success is... Having money.

At age 50 success is... Having money.

At age 70 success is... Having a drivers license.

At age 75 success is... Having friends.

At age 80 success is... Not peeing in your pants.

silver plate

A Mom comes to visit her son kumar for dinner...who lives with a girl roommate Sunita. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Kumar's, roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Kumar and his roommate.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Kumar volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Sunita and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Sunita came to Kumar saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Kumar said,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mother:

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the silver plate. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Kumar

Several days later, Kumar received an email from his Mother, which read

Dear Son:

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Sunita, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Sunita. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now under the pillow...

Love,

Mom.

smart reply

One day many years ago at a school in South London a teacher said to
the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give $20 to the child who can tell me who
was the most famous man who ever lived."

An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick." The
teacher said, "Sorry Alan, that's not correct."

Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew." The
teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either.

Finally, a Gujarati boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus
Christ." The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Jayant, come up here and
I'll give you the $20."

As the teacher was giving Jayant his money, she said, "You know Jayant,
since you are Gujarati, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."
Jayant replied, "Yes, in my heart I knew it was Lord Krishna, but
business is business!"

riddle

Q: paani ka popat kaise karte hai?
A: pehle pani ko garam karo phir naho hi nahi..

Tortoise and rabbit

Tortoise and rabbit gave CET exam and tortoise got 80% and rabbit got 81%.
Both wanted admission in a good engineering college, cut off was 85%.
Rabbit dint get but tortoise got…


How….
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Ans: Remember tortoise had won the race when you were in first standard..
So.. Sports quota!!!!

sardar dream

one day sardar had a dream that soomeone killed him....
next day he closed his ICICI BANK account....
why????????????????
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Bcoz of ICICI's slogan....



"WE MAKE UR DREAMS COME TRUE"

Internet Explorer" song

Woh kaun sa hindi geet hai jis main "Internet
Explorer" ka zikar kiya gaya
hai???

Hint: The heroine also refers to herself as
InternetExplorer.

If you don't know...

Scroll down for the answer...
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The answer is... Maine Pyar Kiya.

And the song goes....

Aajaa shaam hone IE (Internet Explorer)
Mausam ne lee angada IE
To kis baat ki hai lada IE
Tu chal........ Main IE !!!

Lifetime Savings

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.

The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.

She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!"

After the Office Party

John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."

"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday.

Who's This Guy

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

A Bihari

A Bihari was working in Mumbai & did not meet his wife for four (4) years while his wife was in Patna .

At the end of 4 years he distributed sweets to his colleagues in office stating that his wife had delivered a son.

His colleagues were quite shocked and they asked how this 'Happy event' happened when he had not seen his wife for four years...

The man said it is common in Bihar that neighbours take care of the wife (good Samaritans) when men are away.

The colleagues asked him, 'What name will you give to the son?'

The man explained, 'If it is the first neighbour that had taken care, the name would be 'PRATHAM';


If its the second neighbour,then it would be 'DWIVEDI';

If it is the third neighbour then it would be 'TRIVEDI',

If it is the fourth neighbour then it would be 'CHATURVEDI';

If its the fifth neighbour then it would be 'PANDEY'...

After listening to this, questions followed.

What if it is a mixture of neighbours?
'Then the boy would be named 'MISHRA'...

And what if the wife is too shy to tell the name of the neighbour?
Then it would be 'SHARMA'...

But what if she refuses to divulge the name of the neighbour?
Then the name of the child would be 'GUPTA'...

If she does not remember the name then?
'It is YAAD-AV'

But who knows whether the child resulted from a rape?
Then it will be named 'DOSHI'...

Finally, if the child happened because of wife's burning desire?
Then he will be named 'JOSHI'...

And if the whole country had made efforts for the happy arrival?....
'DESHPANDEY.'

The Fisherman story

One day a fisherman got up very early in the morning.

There was not enough sunlight to get into the sea.

He found a pack of stones to pass time.

He started throwing the stone into the sea.

While having the last stone in the hand,

The sun came up then he saw that the stone was a diamond.

He felt for his misfortune of throwing all of them into the sea...

So, the moral of the story is:

Don't get up early in the morning.

The Blurter

'I should be in charge,' said the eyes,
'Because I allow the body to see where it goes.'


'I should be in charge,' said the rectum,
'Because I'm responsible for waste removal.'


All the other body parts laughed at the rectum
And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days,
The brain had a terrible headache,
The stomach was bloated,
The legs got wobbly,
The eyes got watery,
And the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?
The ass hole is usually the one in charge!

If you don't send this to at least three people....who gives a shit?

20 Rules in any office

1. Rule 1. - The Boss is always right.

2. Rule 2. - If the Boss is wrong, see rule 1.

3. Those who work get more work. Others get pay, perks, and promotions.

4. Ph.D. stands for "Pull Him Down". The more intelligent a person, the more hardworking a person, the more committed a person; the more number of persons are engaged in pulling that person down.

5. If you are good, you will get all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

6.. When the Bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

7. It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you are going to do.

8. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

9. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

10. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

11. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it...

12. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

13.. Following the rules will not get the job done.

14. If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

15. Everything can be filed under "Miscellaneous" .

16. No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

17. You can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work you are supposed to be doing.

18. In order to get a promotion, you need not necessarily know your job.

19. In order to get a promotion, you only need to pretend that you know your job.

20. The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

THE 4 WIVES

There was a rich merchant who had 4 wives. He loved the 4th wife the most and adorned her with rich robes and treated her to delicacies. He took great care of her and gave her nothing but the best.

He also loved the 3rd wife very much. He's very proud of her and always wanted to show off her to his friends. However, the merchant is always in great fear that she might run away with some other men.

He too, loved his 2nd wife. She is a very considerate person, always patient and in fact is the merchant's confidante. Whenever the merchant faced some problems, he always turned to his 2nd wife and she would always help him out and tide him through difficult times.

Now, the merchant's 1st wife is a very loyal partner and has made great contributions in maintaining his wealth and business as well as taking care of the household. However, the merchant did not love the first wife and although she loved him deeply, he hardly took notice of her.

One day, the merchant fell ill. Before long, he knew that he was going to die soon. He thought of his luxurious life and told himself, "Now I have 4 wives with me. But when I die, I'll be alone. How lonely I'll be!"

Thus, he asked the 4th wife, "I loved you most, endowed you with the finest clothing and showered great care over you. Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?" "No way!" replied the 4th wife and she walked away without another word.

The answer cut like a sharp knife right into the merchant's heart. The sad merchant then asked the 3rd wife, "I have loved you so much for all my life. Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?" "No!" replied the 3rd wife. "Life is so good over here! I'm going to remarry when you die!" The merchant's heart sank and turned cold.

He then asked the 2nd wife, "I always turned to you for help and you've always helped me out. Now I need your help again. When I die, will you follow me and keep me company?" "I'm sorry, I can't help you out this time!" replied the 2nd wife. "At the very most, I can only send you to your grave." The answer came like a bolt of thunder and the merchant was devastated.

Then a voice called out : "I'll leave with you. I'll follow you no matter where you go." The merchant looked up and there was his first wife. She was so skinny, almost like she suffered from malnutrition. Greatly grieved, the merchant said, "I should have taken much better care of you while I could have !"

Actually, we all have 4 wives in our lives

a. The 4th wife is our body. No matter how much time and effort we lavish in making it look good, it'll leave us when we die.

b. Our 3rd wife ? Our possessions, status and wealth. When we die, they all go to others.

c. The 2nd wife is our family and friends. No matter how close they had been there for us when we're alive, the furthest they can stay by us is up to the grave.

d. The 1st wife is in fact our soul, often neglected in our pursuit of material, wealth and sensual pleasure.

Guess what? It is actually the only thing that follows us wherever we go. Perhaps it's a good idea to cultivate and strengthen it now rather than to wait until we're on our deathbed to lament

Ticket

Three INDIANS and three PAKISTANIS are
travelling by train to a
Cricket
match at the World Cup in England. At the
station, the three
PAKISTANIS
buy a ticket each and watch as the three INDIANS
buy just one ticket
for
them all.
"How are the three of you going to travel on
only one ticket?" asks
one
of
the PAKISTANI.
"Watch and learn," answers one of the INDIAN.
They all board the train. The PAKISTANIS take
their respective seats
but
all three INDIANS cram into a toilet and close
the door behind them.
Shortly after the train departs, the conductor
comes around
collecting
tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says,
"Ticket please." The
door
opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with
a ticket in hand.
The
conductor takes it and moves on.
The PAKISTANIS see this and agree it was quite a
clever idea. So
after
the
game, they decide to copy the INDIAN style on
the return trip and
save
some money (being clever with money, and all
that). When they get to
the
station, they buy one ticket for three on the
return trip.
To their astonishment, the INDIANS don't buy ticket
at all!! "How come
are
you going to travel without a ticket?" says one
perplexed PAKISTANI.
"Watch and learn," answers a INDIAN.
When they board the train the three PAKISTANIS
cram into one toilet
and
soon after the three INDIANS cram into another
nearby toilet. The
train
departs.
Shortly afterwards, one of the INDIAN leaves the
toilet and walks
over to
the toilet where the PAKISTANIS are hiding.
He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please."
The door opens just
a
crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in
hand. The INDIAN
takes
the
ticket and goes back into his toilet.